What does conflict mean to you? There are so many definitions of conflict and conflict means different things to different people. In one of the first classes of my PhD journey, we were asked to come up with a metaphor or symbol for conflict. Not a definition but simply an image or metaphor that comes to your mind when you think about the term:
Conflict is like…fill in the blank…
Take a moment and think about your metaphor or image for conflict. What do you picture when you think about this word?
Close your eyes and image what conflict looks like for you…
Is it a burning house, an airplane falling to the ground? When I asked my friends, those were some of the images that came up when they thought about conflict.
These two symbols mean conflict in Chinese:
Fear + Opportunity
The first symbol means “fear”. It is in our nature to feel a sense of fight or flight when it comes to conflict. We want to run away from it or fight it, at least initially. This is our intuition telling us to do something about conflict and fast before it gets out of control.
But the second Chinese symbol is “opportunity”. My metaphor for conflict, not surprising since I am a student of conflict resolution, is a window or a door, a space to explore opportunity for personal growth and growth in the relationships I have with others.
If you can approach conflict from this perspective and look for the opportunity in it, rather than viewing conflict in a negative light, it will change your perspective and your mental framework when you are confronted with conflict.
Let’s face it, conflict is everywhere! This is why I am so fascinated by this subject. If you see conflict as an opportunity for growth, your mind will find ways to take the situation and change your burning building into an experience that challenges you to take your relationship with yourself and with others to another level.
Solve for Peace Tip 1: Look for ways to incorporate conflict resolution practices in your life. No one teaches us these skills formally or informally. In the world we live in now, it is good to seek out those skills to be a better peacemaker for you and those in your immediate sphere of influence. Conflict resolution can be a lifestyle as I heard in a conference I recently attended. There are many books focused on self-help and interpersonal skills that help you deal with conflict in a positive way.
Solve for Peace Activity 1: As a start, buy or download Emotional Intelligence 2.0, by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, take the assessment and see where you rate on emotional intelligence. The book has wonderful exercises that really develop your emotional intelligence skills in four areas critical in framing our perceptions of conflict within ourselves and with others: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
Peace starts within us and projects its way out. Many times, we do not realize how we communicate within ourselves or to our outer world. Emotional Intelligence 2.0 is a great tool to reflect on your communication skills with yourself and others and provides easy exercises to improve them.
Solve for Peace Tip 2: When confronted with a possible conflict, open your mind and become curious. Curiosity is a beautiful gift. Try to fine tune it. Before reacting, think to yourself what does this really mean and how can I turn this around to be an opportunity for growth?
Solve for Peace Activity 2: Practice the art of being curious. When you are in conversations with others, ask them to explain what they mean before getting emotional and exercising a fight or flight response. Ask the other person to provide more details around what they are saying before allowing your emotions to lead you into a conflictive situation. Curiosity is a great tool to dissect an issue before it gets out of control. Practice good listening as you unpack the true root causes of others’ verbal communications.
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